Garrett chuckles his way to laughs at VPAP luncheon

Travis FainContact Reporter

Daily Press

State Sen. Tom Garrett’s smooth-as-sandpaper delivery won lots of laughter Thurdsay, during the Virginia Public Access Project’s annual fundraising luncheon.

Garrett, R-Hadensville, emcee’d the event, with U.S. Sen. Tim Kaine serving as the keynote speaker. The event is sort of a mini-roast for the state’s politicos.

Garrett said repeatedly that he wasn’t VPAP’s first choice, marking Del. Peter Farrell as an earlier preference. Then he pounced.

Farrell, whose father is Dominion Resources president and CEO Tom Farrell, told VPAP he couldn’t attend the luncheon because of work, Garrett said.

“Work?” Garrett said. “You can hire somebody to count the money for you, Peter.”

“Did Dad need the lawn cut? … What came up, Peter, the Monte Carlo Yacht show?”

He noted the Farrell’s Civil War movie.

“Peter had a cameo,” Garrett said. “He played the Federal Reserve Bank.”

Organizers also considered a cardboard cutout to host over Garrett, the senator said.

“But that fell through, too, because the lieutenant governor was not available.”

Garrett giggled repeatedly at his own jokes, which the crowd found funny in its own right.

A few of his other lines:

On talk that Secretary of the Commonwealth Levar Stoney may run for mayor of Richmond: “I can’t say who’s behind this whisper campaign, but their name rhymes with Levar Stoney.”

On state Sen. Ryan McDougle: “The incredible Hulk called, he wants his hairstyle back.”

On U.S. Sen. Tim Kaine: “I don’t know how you make fun of Sen. Tim Plain. … I mean Plain.”

Kaine got in a few good ones, too.

On the luncheon’s theme, “lighten up, it’s just politics”: “And man, Tom Garrett is a guy, he just begs not to be taken seriously.”

On not spending as much time in Richmond as he used to: “Thanks to the NSA data collection programs I still feel like I very much know what you guys are up to.”

On traffic in Northern Virginia: “It’s like Chris Christie’s already been elected president.”

On D.C. police ticketing people for marijuana possession: “And to really deter you, it’s a Redskins ticket.”

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